Tag Archives: myfamilyname

other signs that you are a [myfamilyname]

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5

you’re probably in a typical american family if your road trips look like this: 4 children, one mini-van, two parents, one cooler full of snacks and food, various games, books, tapes, etc.

you’re a [Myfamilyname] if that same road trip includes assigned seats in the car for each child, and a manila folder on each seat containing a highlighter, a map of the entire length of the trip, and several blown-up views of segments of the map.

the idea behind this arrangement, if you are a [Myfamilyname], would be to help you not ask “are we there yet” every 20 minutes (or “where are we?” as a means of circumventing the first question). the highlighters are so you can mark your progress as you drive along. the maps would be explained in detail at the beginning of trip: the starting point, the destination, the route (possibly marked in another color of highlighter), the fact that maps have little red numbers indicating the miles between cities, and how the green mile markers on the highway work. for your convenience, you would be instructed to assume that you are travelling at 60 mph. (yes, remember those days? when highways had speed limits under 75?). there will be no earthly reason to ask where you are, how far you have left to go, or any other devious derivation of the same question.

if memory serves me correctly, the system actually worked for this [Myfamilyname] – i mean we did learn the basics of maps (we’re all quite good with maps now, actually), and, for the most part, we didn’t ask the “are we there yet” questions. because i was 11 years old, it wasn’t that big of a deal for me, but now that i think about it, it must have been quite a feat for my youngest brother (age 4 or 5).

which is probably why he didn’t actually read the map; he just kept leaning over to me, showing me his map, and whispering “where are we now?”

so really, it was like a stroke of delegation-mastermind genius on my parents’ part — they didn’t get the annoying questions; i did.

you might be a [myfamilyname] if…

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4

you’re probably in a typical american family if you have a rule like “last one to use it puts it away.” and maybe, in a typical american family way, the rule’s been modified to apply to food: things like bags of chips, jars of peanut butter or jelly, bags of bread — common foods that everyone uses at once.

but you’re a [Myfamilyname] if you open a bag of chips (jar of peanut butter, box of cereal, etc.), eat to your heart’s content, and then, rather than putting it away, you sit at the table, waiting (lying-in-wait) for another sibling to come along.

you ask: “want some chips?” as nonchalantly as possible, lest the sibling suspect something.

and, when the sibling says, “sure,” and takes a chip, you lock in your success, leap from the table and cry: “last one to eat it has to put away!” you flee in triumph before you can sucuumb to eating another chip yourself (the temptation is always great, and you know that the sibling, now seeking vengeance, will employ mad tempting skills).*

once left alone, because the sibling is also a [Myfamilyname], he or she will not want to be left in defeat. so he or she will eat a few chips, and then renew the cycle – sitting at the table, waiting for the next unsuspecting sibling.

now, you’re REALLY a [Myfamilyname] if you all continue to do this sort of thing even when you’re all in your 20s. but that’s understandable, really it is: it’s SUCH a pain to put chips away — and life’s a fierce, fierce competition.

 

*the best skills, as we have discovered, are passive-aggressive. you have to prevent the perpetrator from fleeing. engage them in a conversation. do not offer them chips — they will know what you are up to immediately. just snack casually, asking questions, pretending to care about the answers, and waiting for them to subconsciously reach for the open bag. many times, they will stop, their hand actually in the bag, but having touched no chip, and realize what’s going on. but every once in a while, the MSG and other addictive substances in such foods will get the better of them, and they will take a chip. then you better flee. cos things can get wicked complicated after that.